A Lump in the Road
One of my goals with this blog is to always be honest and open about where we are in our adoption journey. We are, after all, regular people, subject to emotion and weakness, and along with the highlights that are fun to write about, there are struggles of all kinds. And over all of it is a really big God who isn't surprised or intimidated by any of it. He is our source of balance. So, with that in mind, allow me to tell you about the ups and downs of this week.
Sunday, November 11 was a whirlwind day. We were triple booked with events we weren't going to miss! Our church had a special Veteran's Day Service, in which the choir played a prominent roll, and in which I was to sing a pretty rangy rendition of our national anthem. Following that, we were off to a chili cook-off/silent auction fundraiser for friends of ours who are adopting. That event was about an hour and ten minutes from our home. From there, we went another three quarters of an hour to my grandma's church who had graciously invited me to come speak/sing at their annual Thanksgiving dinner, after which they collected a love offering for our adoption. We knew several weeks ago when we agreed to do all of these things in one day that it would be fatiguing, but we didn't know at that time that my usual greatest strength, my voice, was going to threaten to betray me.
I have been struggling for a couple months with an annoying lump in my throat that just won't go away. When I talk or sing, things swell and it's really uncomfortable. The last thing I want is to cause some kind of damage to my vocal cords, so I've been proactive about dealing with this issue. Prior to Sunday, I had been examined four times, had been through two rounds of antibiotics, and had been informed that I had swollen lymph nodes and needed to have an ultrasound performed on my neck to see what was going on. That was scheduled for Monday.
I couldn't practice for hours on end like I usually do. I could hardly stand to sing at all. Even talking, which I do all the time, was problematic. But I felt strongly that God had given me opportunities and I wasn't going to waste them. I dubbed Sunday "Denial Day," and pushed the limits. I wasn't flawless as I would like to be, but the voice held out, God gave me the right message to share, and I made it through all the appointments on my calendar.
Monday was a state holiday, so aside from the doctor appointment, it was a restful day for me. Results of the ultrasound would be forthcoming within three business days. I expected to hear something by Thursday.
Wednesday morning, Steve got a call from the doctor's office with news that stopped me cold. There is a mass on my thyroid. I am being sent to a surgeon for a biopsy. It could be anything from a goiter (which I'd never heard of before) to cancer. Hadn't seen that one coming!
I took myself off the customer service lines at work for a while to let that sink in. Momentarily, my always plentiful words wouldn't come. I started sending rapid-fire emails to my church, friends, and family filled with fear and shock. I cried, and eventually mustered the strength to start talking through it. I learned that I know a lot of people who have had similar issues, and that this is manageable. My biggest fears, that my vocal cords would be damaged by this unnamed lump, and that a cancer diagnosis could really mess up our adoption plans rared their ugly heads. And then, just as suddenly, the prayers of God's people started working. The tears dried up, the fear went away, and I could remember the encouraging words God gave me the day I accepted the adoption call, and that were so kindly reiterated to me on Sunday by someone at church who has walked this journey before me, that if God calls me to do something, he will give me the strength to do it. It's such a simple sentence, and a simple truth I have rattled off to others lots of times, but it's taken on new meaning for me this week.
I see the surgeon tomorrow, and I am not afraid. I have an unexplainable calm and peace with me, and was downright perky today. I've moved past Denial Day on Sunday, to Faith Day on Friday.
I am reminded of 2 Chronicles 20 where King Jehoshaphat was threatened with an impossible situation of his own. A vast army was descending against Judah, and they were outnumbered and trembling with fear. Jehoshaphat declared a fast and all the people, even the little ones, humbled themselves before God. Jehoshaphat prayed to God, recognizing his might and strength and pouring Judah's need out before Him. Then, the spirit of the Lord came on Jahaziel and he prophesied that Judah was to march out, but that they would not have to fight this battle, God would grant them the victory.
Jehoshaphat took God at his word. He sent men out ahead of the troops to sing praise to the Lord for the splendor of his glory. They sang, "Give thanks to the Lord for His love endures forever." And just as He had promised, God delivered Judah from their enemies. He set ambushes for the men who were coming against Judah, until they were completely annihilated. It took Judah three days to gather all the plunder. Then they went to Jerusalem, to the temple, with harps and lyres and trumpets. They took God at his word, they began the battle with praise, and they ended with praise.
That is exactly what I intend to do. I am taking God at His word. He called me to do something, He'll equip me to do it. I praise you, God, that you are bigger than any battle I will ever face, and you have this one under control. I will walk in the light of your love, trust in your goodness, and give you praise for the victory. "Give thanks to the Lord, His love endures forever."
Sunday, November 11 was a whirlwind day. We were triple booked with events we weren't going to miss! Our church had a special Veteran's Day Service, in which the choir played a prominent roll, and in which I was to sing a pretty rangy rendition of our national anthem. Following that, we were off to a chili cook-off/silent auction fundraiser for friends of ours who are adopting. That event was about an hour and ten minutes from our home. From there, we went another three quarters of an hour to my grandma's church who had graciously invited me to come speak/sing at their annual Thanksgiving dinner, after which they collected a love offering for our adoption. We knew several weeks ago when we agreed to do all of these things in one day that it would be fatiguing, but we didn't know at that time that my usual greatest strength, my voice, was going to threaten to betray me.
I have been struggling for a couple months with an annoying lump in my throat that just won't go away. When I talk or sing, things swell and it's really uncomfortable. The last thing I want is to cause some kind of damage to my vocal cords, so I've been proactive about dealing with this issue. Prior to Sunday, I had been examined four times, had been through two rounds of antibiotics, and had been informed that I had swollen lymph nodes and needed to have an ultrasound performed on my neck to see what was going on. That was scheduled for Monday.
I couldn't practice for hours on end like I usually do. I could hardly stand to sing at all. Even talking, which I do all the time, was problematic. But I felt strongly that God had given me opportunities and I wasn't going to waste them. I dubbed Sunday "Denial Day," and pushed the limits. I wasn't flawless as I would like to be, but the voice held out, God gave me the right message to share, and I made it through all the appointments on my calendar.
Monday was a state holiday, so aside from the doctor appointment, it was a restful day for me. Results of the ultrasound would be forthcoming within three business days. I expected to hear something by Thursday.
Wednesday morning, Steve got a call from the doctor's office with news that stopped me cold. There is a mass on my thyroid. I am being sent to a surgeon for a biopsy. It could be anything from a goiter (which I'd never heard of before) to cancer. Hadn't seen that one coming!
I took myself off the customer service lines at work for a while to let that sink in. Momentarily, my always plentiful words wouldn't come. I started sending rapid-fire emails to my church, friends, and family filled with fear and shock. I cried, and eventually mustered the strength to start talking through it. I learned that I know a lot of people who have had similar issues, and that this is manageable. My biggest fears, that my vocal cords would be damaged by this unnamed lump, and that a cancer diagnosis could really mess up our adoption plans rared their ugly heads. And then, just as suddenly, the prayers of God's people started working. The tears dried up, the fear went away, and I could remember the encouraging words God gave me the day I accepted the adoption call, and that were so kindly reiterated to me on Sunday by someone at church who has walked this journey before me, that if God calls me to do something, he will give me the strength to do it. It's such a simple sentence, and a simple truth I have rattled off to others lots of times, but it's taken on new meaning for me this week.
I see the surgeon tomorrow, and I am not afraid. I have an unexplainable calm and peace with me, and was downright perky today. I've moved past Denial Day on Sunday, to Faith Day on Friday.
I am reminded of 2 Chronicles 20 where King Jehoshaphat was threatened with an impossible situation of his own. A vast army was descending against Judah, and they were outnumbered and trembling with fear. Jehoshaphat declared a fast and all the people, even the little ones, humbled themselves before God. Jehoshaphat prayed to God, recognizing his might and strength and pouring Judah's need out before Him. Then, the spirit of the Lord came on Jahaziel and he prophesied that Judah was to march out, but that they would not have to fight this battle, God would grant them the victory.
Jehoshaphat took God at his word. He sent men out ahead of the troops to sing praise to the Lord for the splendor of his glory. They sang, "Give thanks to the Lord for His love endures forever." And just as He had promised, God delivered Judah from their enemies. He set ambushes for the men who were coming against Judah, until they were completely annihilated. It took Judah three days to gather all the plunder. Then they went to Jerusalem, to the temple, with harps and lyres and trumpets. They took God at his word, they began the battle with praise, and they ended with praise.
That is exactly what I intend to do. I am taking God at His word. He called me to do something, He'll equip me to do it. I praise you, God, that you are bigger than any battle I will ever face, and you have this one under control. I will walk in the light of your love, trust in your goodness, and give you praise for the victory. "Give thanks to the Lord, His love endures forever."
I really have no words.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I think about this, and how hard I'm praying.