Confessions of a Crazy

When I first told one of the managers in my office that we were going to adopt internationally, she responded with, “You know you’re crazy, right?” While that wasn’t exactly the reaction I was expecting from her, I understood where she was coming from. After all, what kind of people announce that they are adopting an unknown child into the family, from a third world country, when they already have three boys, active busy lives, a bunch of debt, a three-bedroom house, and a Seeing Eye dog? Well, apparently we do. The “call” came for Steve and I in completely different ways, and in case you don’t know that story, let me revisit that instance for a moment. Trenton was a baby, not even one, when I started feeling tugs to open my heart and home to a child from some undisclosed location. We had championed the cause of others who had heard the call and obeyed it, and supported them with words, with money, with hard work and time at their fundraisers, and with prayer. We did secret fundraising behind the scenes to surprise our friends and family at Christmas with big unexpected donations. We finished the production of my CD, did concerts, and solicited donations from friends and coworkers to help them out. We planned baby showers and bought gifts and could not wait to welcome our new niece and nephews to America and to the family. I was perfectly content to be the world’s best cheerleader and supporter. And then we read Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. At that point, I began sensing God calling me to something more, something bigger, and I responded with a big, “You’ve got to be kidding me, God; are you crazy?” Not for a second did I initially think Steve would want to go down this road. I had campaigned for over a year just to get him to consider having a third child, and we had fretted then about finances, childcare, and all the things parents worry about. So the thought of telling him God was talking to me about a fourth was nothing short of laughable. And then one late spring morning, he and I went to breakfast on a Saturday. In the car we were talking about something or other, and I mentioned to him, almost sarcastically, that I was starting to think about adoption. Much to my surprise, he was way ahead of me! He’d first started thinking about it while I was still pregnant with Trenton, and way before I was ready. He was ready to jump in without hesitation and I was dragging my feet and dealing with fears. I asked God for a sign. He gave me two, in a matter of hours. Steve and I talked some more, we prayed, and I quit fighting, and took my first, literally-trembling step forward. We were in, 100%, no matter what it took or how long the process would be. Fast forward a little….We announced our plans to our church and we started fundraising. We published a children’s nativity book I had written, and I began this blog. We planned to do Christmas concerts in 2012 to get ourselves off to a great start. And then came our first test: an actual lump in my throat, which turned out to be a thyroid tumor that would have to come out. I lost the ability to sing anything for a while, and God carried us through several months where we realized we had no idea what we were doing and the only way the adoption, or anything else, was going to be accomplished would be if we totally surrendered our lives, our plans, and even our fundraising to Him. I wish that was the only time God had to remind me of that lesson. We’ve launched a lot of fundraisers in the last year— rummage sale, spaghetti supper, cookie dough, candy bars, craft fair, Christmas book, ornaments, CDs, Craig’s Listing furniture, jewelry, gourmet coffee—and we’ve raised about a quarter of what we need! That is both a praise and a frustration all at once. Every time I’ve assigned a monetary goal to something, we’ve fallen short. And then when I’ve been discouraged beyond hope, God has sent us little surprises to encourage us and to keep us going. In the midst of this, we’ve struggled with a lot of other questions. Where will our child be from? How old will she be? Does she have special needs? Which adoption agency should we use? Slowly, we’ve gotten answers to some of these questions, although none of it has been with bolts of lightning, more like common sense, reasoning, and diligence. We are now in the home study phase. We are accumulating documents, preparing for background checks and home inspections, and taking physicals. We are moving forward, sometimes still trembling, watching our fundraising account drop as we spend money on adoption expenses, and praying continued funds will continue to trickle in from anywhere and everywhere. So back to the beginning, just how crazy are we? Crazy enough to believe that He who began a good work in us is faithful and will carry it out until completion. Crazy enough to think that the Giver of All Life and Keeper of the Stars cares enough about orphans to spur people thousands of miles away to do something to help them. Crazy enough to celebrate our anniversary with physicals and blood work and be happy about it because it gets us a step closer to our daughter! Crazy enough to believe James 1:27 is true and that God really wants us to care for widows and orphans. Crazy enough to plead publically (and on the internet no less) for money and believe there are people crazy enough to give it! Crazy enough to raise our children to understand that they can’t have everything, and that they need to give and to sacrifice. Crazy enough to put every single coin in our house into a jar, believing it will add up to something worthwhile eventually. Crazy enough to fall on our faces and admit this is too hard and too much for us to handle, and then get up by the grace of God and trudge forward anyway. I take great comfort in knowing that God Himself has been characterized as crazy, and the Bible is full of stories of people we refer to as saints who were nothing short of crazy in their day: Moses marching a massive band of liberated Israelite slaves toward the Red Sea because God said so, even with Pharaoh’s army in hot pursuit. Joshua marching around a fortified city for six days in silence, and then planning to take down the walls with a shout. Jehoshaphat celebrating a mighty victory, although greatly outnumbered and prior to the battle being fought, because God promised it was coming. Elijah single-handedly taking on 400 prophets of Baal and believing fire from Heaven would literally fall. The list goes on and on. But at the front of the list, and at the end of the list, is God. He created the earth and all that is in it, and when man went astray time and again, he offered them a path to redemption, ultimately sacrificing the life of His one and only son that we might have eternal life. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” The one who adopted us as heirs and sons has called us to go and do likewise—and to spread his love all over the worlds in thousands of ways! Why am I writing this post? Mostly for my own benefit. I have to remind myself of these truths over and over again, because this journey is long and difficult and discouragement wants to hold me captive. I will not surrender to it. I will continue to sing the praises of a God who sees the big picture and knows the whole story, and we will continue to be crazy so long as He is our guide. We are joined by an army of crazies who have gone before us and come after us, and maybe a few of them have even been crazy enough to read this entire blog post. If God is calling you, be crazy enough to answer. Pray for wisdom, keep the faith, set out on the journey and don’t look back. One day in Heaven we’ll find out that we weren’t so crazy after all, and that there was a divine order to all of this chaos. “Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever!”