Adoption Journey "Must Haves"

Let me tell you a little secret about adoption.  It is wildly unpredictable!  Just the time you think you have it figured out and you know what to expect, you don’t.  And when you think there couldn’t possibly be another difficult question for you to consider, you’ll get a call or an email from your agency, or your social worker, or a random friend or relative that will spin you around and leave you dazed and confused.

That just happened to us….again!  In the midst of my blogging about the weight of the waiting, the timeline, the decisions, and all of that, we were notified by our agency that Haiti has made some changes to their quota for dossiers, and that as a result, our wait time just increased another six months!  Our dossier, now on its way to Chicago, has several steps before it is legalized and ready for submission, which is okay because it may not be able to be officially submitted to Haiti until as late as October!  Our agency sent out an email to all dossier building families advising us of the delay, and encouraging us to consider other programs with waiting child lists, namely India and China, if the increased wait time wasn’t acceptable.  So we spent right about twenty-four hours reconsidering every decision we’ve made this far: country, gender, special needs, etc., and we researched what it would cost financially and in terms of time, to change directions in an effort to bring this to a close sooner.

I sent a flurry of emails and texts to trusted prayer warriors….the community I referred to in the last post…and prayed for wisdom and clear direction.  And in the end, we’re right back where we were to begin with.  We’re sticking with Haiti.  We’re going to see it through, no matter how long it takes, because she’s worth it, we feel God has led us here, and, as it turns out, I still don’t qualify to adopt from China anyway. ☺

The last couple of days have been very emotional and exhausting, which leads me to this post.

Lots of people blog about adoption journeys and offer advice on everything from fundraising, to grant application, to must-read books and conferences you just can’t live without, and even what to pack for your trips overseas to meet/pick up your little one.  But no one, that I know of anyway, has written a packing list of sorts for the journey itself.  That is what I am now going to attempt to do.

If you are considering adoption, there are some things you need to know.  First, stock up on Kleenexes!  And buy the good ones, because adoption breaks your heart in ways you have never expected, some good, some bad, and you’re going to cry more now than you have in your entire life.  Just count on it.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of…we all do it!

Second, it’s a roller coaster of a ride, with ups and downs, twists and turns, so if you’re prone to motion sickness, you might want to make sure you have your go-to comfort foods ready at a moment’s notice.  I have recently discovered stress eating, and Cheese Its, not saying that’s a great solution, but it works for me!

Seriously, though, you need to get ready for what’s to come in much more fundamental ways.  Here is my list of absolute must-haves to get through the adoption journey:

Love.  I don’t mean the sentimental, sappy, romantic kind of love that makes everyone think adoption stories are fairy tales.  I mean a much tougher love, one you engage in by choice.  Love is as much a decision as a feeling, maybe more.  Your determination to do whatever it takes will largely hinge on your capacity to love a total stranger, and love like Christ, who laid down his own life for the sake of others.  

Joy.  You will at times have to be your own cheerleader.  Though the journey is hard and tedious, there are many moments of celebration, and each piece of paperwork you assemble for your dossier, every notary’s signature, every lab test, medical exam, and dollar raised will give you a small victory to celebrate.  Enjoy them.  They ease the ache of waiting.

Peace.  Pray for the best, but expect the worst.  You’ll be more prepared for the roadblocks and the obstacles.  Ultimately, if God has called you to this course of action, even when you feel like you’re free falling, you’ll find your footing again and be able to continue forward.  Peace only comes with prayer, and lots, and lots of that!

Patience.  I reference here my last entire post about waiting!  You’ll need more patience than you think, and you don’t have to love the wait, no one does, but you do have to deal with it.  Distraction is a great way to do that, along with giving, serving, and again, more prayer.

Kindness.  You are going to be asked some completely ridiculous questions, and some of them will be offensive or hurtful.  Answer kindly.  A soft answer turns away wrath, but more applicably here, kindness will allow you the opportunity to educate people who mean well but don’t think before they speak.  I have a group of people I can rant to later about the obnoxious thing that was just said to me, and knowing that gives me the strength to answer with grace when my sarcasm really wants to take over.

Goodness.  The very harsh reality of adoption is that is always the result of pain.  You will have to confront pain and sadness and evil.  Remember that there is goodness in the world, and that you are blessed to share it in tangible ways.  “The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.”  You can share the light in the midst of terrible suffering.

Faithfulness.  In this context, I think of faithfulness as determination.  When you commit to adopt, you vow to change your life forever, whatever it takes.  You’ll give up time, money, vacations, sleep, and much more.  And it will be worth it.

Gentleness.  Understand now, in choosing to adopt, you have just taken a leap off a cliff most people have never considered.  Many, many people will not understand the way you think the things that make you cry, and your passionate defense for the defenseless.  You will not win them over if you come on too strong.  Learn to slow down the stream of statistics and fast facts you want to throw at them, and engage them as best you can in civil conversation.  I am afraid I will send people running away screaming sometimes, and so far that hasn’t happened, but I have come across a lot of indifference which tests me to the core.  I can’t change how everyone thinks, but I can give them something to think about if I choose my words with care.

Self Control.  You will at some point want to pull your hair out, or scream at someone, or punch a wall.  These are probably all bad ideas.  You will have to learn to regulate your own emotions, if you haven’t already, because there will be moments that are intense.  If deep breathing isn’t your thing, come up with some other mechanism to pull yourself together when the heat rises.  I quote scriptures, the longer the better, or again, surprise, pray, pray, and pray some more!

Lest you think that I am a super saint and just happen to possess all of these qualities in abundance, allow me to assure you, I am not.  My strength fails, my heart breaks, I get angry, and frustration grips me like a vice.  It is in those moments when I am most dependent on my creator and provider.  His mercies are new every morning.  His wisdom no one can fathom.  And, as the saying goes, while God is rarely early, he is always right on time.  And He is the one who provides grace for the journey and strength for the weak.

So while you’re packing your suitcase for the adoption journey, remember there is never a shortage in the heavenly storehouses.  God shall supply all your needs, and He has the road map too, so don’t waste time plotting your own course.  Read the books, go to the seminars, buy the essentials, learn to cook new foods, and don’t forget to pray, pray, pray!

“Give thanks to the Lord. His love endures forever.”